Sometimes, I miss the life I used to have. I never thought this would be the case, because I was so painfully unhappy when we left. But I’m going to say it out loud: I miss Virginia. I guess this makes sense. And I guess it makes sense that these feelings would catch up with me in due time. We lived there for almost twenty years. My daughter was born there. She grew up there. We have so many years of happy memories. For about the last five years we lived there, Life weighed me down and made me forget that. Now, with distance, that feeling of loss has found me. It’s sharp and bitter. It takes me by surprise in the quiet moments, when I have no choice but to listen to my heart. It surprises me and takes my breath away. But it feels true and real. It feels like … grief.
Maybe It’s January bringing all these feelings tumbling to the surface of my thoughts. January and I are not friends. It’s a long and gray month. The magic and fun I always feel around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are done. I have to put away all of the decorations (eventually). My girl goes back to school. Real Life returns. January is just … hard.
Which brings me to New Year, New You. You knew I would get there eventually, right? I am not one for making resolutions. Mostly, I am not good at keeping them, but I’m great at breaking them. Resolutions usually make me feel inadequate and bad at life. I’m not good at planning or at having goals. And I mentioned the whole “January thing”, right? Right.
This year, I need to be … someone else. I’m feeling the need for change in a way that is sharp and cutting. I feel so … stuck. Like I’ve been spinning my wheels for my entire life. And it’s true: I have.
I feel uneasy about the future. There have been a lot of changes at my job in a short time: new people, new personalities, new structure, trying to figure out where I fit in all of this. And I know that is making me unhappy. But this feeling in my heart and gut is more than that. I need to stop, take a breath, and figure out Me. What do I want for my life? Do I have dreams and hopes? Where do I want to go from here?
I need a change. I need a new Me. I have no idea how this is going to happen, or how to make it happen. But, I’m going to do my best to take a deep breath and jump into it with an open mind and heart. New year, new … Me?