Sometimes

Sometimes, you have a good day. And then a second good day. And, if you’re really, really lucky, you have a third or a fourth good day. And you think to yourself, “Yes. This is good. This is right. This is life. I can do this.” But, just when you think you’re home free, another bad day comes, howling at you out of the night when you can’t sleep and you lie awake in your bed sweating and feeling full of fear and doubts. And it’s followed by another bad day and another and another, until the good days feel like a distant memory. Like a faded photograph tinged sepia around the edges and golden with nostalgia.

And that’s Depression.

Sometimes, when you’re very quiet, the people around you want to know what you’re thinking. And, at first, you believe you aren’t thinking about anything at all. But then, you realize this isn’t true. You are thinking ALL the things, all of the time. And your thoughts whirl around your brain, flapping and squawking like angry birds. You can’t control them. They just make a lot of noise and poop all over the floor before they flitter away, leaving you with a mess to clear away before you can get on with your life. But how do you explain this kind of chaos to someone who is outside of it? You realize you can’t ever explain it. You don’t even understand it yourself, so how can you even begin to put it into words? And so, when someone asks you what you’re thinking, you shrug and say, “Nothing.”

And that’s Depression.

Sometimes, after you say, “Nothing,” the person who asked keeps on asking. They push and push and push for information, as if they could crawl right into your mind and tame the chaos that lives there. But they can’t and you know they can’t. Even if they could, you don’t want them to, because, then, your chaos would be all about them and not about you. But you can’t explain this, either. And so, you frustrate the people who care about you. And you feel like a failure because you can see the hurt in their eyes, and you know they feel disconnected from you. You feel alone and small and horrible. But you can’t figure out how to change any of it.

And that’s Depression.

Sometimes, after people ask what you’re thinking and you say, “Nothing,” they accept your answer and turn away, back to their own lives. And this hurts just as much. Maybe it hurts even more, because now you’re isolated and invisible — small in a giant, whirling universe.

And that’s Depression.

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Sometimes, you want to write about your feelings. You think that, if you could just get them out there … If you could just set them loose in the world, it would be better, because you wouldn’t have to carry them around inside of you any more. But the words won’t come. Or, really, it’s that there are too many words. And they come at you from every direction, as chaotic and uncontrollable as your thoughts and feelings. They hulk up out of the fog of your brain like beasts, rocking the ground with each step, until you think you will go mad with the noise and the urgency and the meaning of it all. Until you think that you will have to scream them out into the empty air around you because you can’t contain them. There is just too much of “them” and not enough of “you”. Then, at the last minute, the words skitter away, refusing to be tamed. And you feel frustrated and inadequate and trapped.

And that’s Depression.

Sometimes, life feels like too much. It’s overwhelming and full and huge, but not in a good way. It feels like your life has become this giant snake, and it has swallowed you whole, so that, now, you have disappeared and become nothing. There is no room for what you want, but only room for what the rest of the world wants from you. And you feel empty and sad and “not real”.

And that’s Depression.

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Sometimes, the people you love will say you shouldn’t be depressed. They will point out all the wonderful things in your life and remind you how very blessed you are and say, quite rationally, that there isn’t any reason for you to be depressed. And this makes you feel like the biggest, most ungrateful loser in the world because you don’t want to be sad or depressed or anything other than happy. But you can’t control the way you feel, even though you have tried to do this your whole life. And you want to tell them this, these people who love you. You want to scream it at them and scratch their eyes and spit it at them so they will see your feelings for the truth that you know they are. But you know they won’t hear you, so you keep it all inside. Pushed way down deep inside. You love these people … But, maybe, you hate them a little bit, too.

And that’s Depression.

Sometimes, when the bad days are very bad … and you think they might never end … and you can’t bring yourself to do the things you need to do or the things you want to do … You remind yourself there will be another good day, if you just hang on hard enough and long enough. You remind yourself that Depression might never go away, but it doesn’t have to win.

And that’s Hope.

Tidal Basin

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes

    • Hi! Thanks for the reblog. And, even more important (to me), thank you for stopping by my blog and for taking the time to read. I appreciate it very much. πŸ™‚

  1. Do me a favor? Next time someone you love says you shouldn’t be depressed, because your life is just so gosh darned perfect on the surface and there are people i the world who have real problems and so what are you complaining about — would you send them to me? Cause youre just too sweet to try to beat the stupidity and the insensitivity out of people you love, but I’m not.

    πŸ™‚

    Hugs.

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