Little Victories

Today, I am celebrating the “little victories” in life. Sometimes, life can run us over, use us up, hunt us down, and, in general, leave us feeling like something the cat dragged in … ate … and, then, barfed up onto the rug. I’m not proud to say I’m all too familiar with that side of life. The past two or three years have been rough ones for me, mostly because of depression, but also because I’ve felt unmooored. Lost and wandering, with no safe place to land. It’s hard when your internal and external lives are both chaotic, leaving you feeling as if you have no way to turn — no set direction in which to go, and no way to get there, even if you did.

hubby's reflection in a window, parking lot behind.

 

My creative life and, in particular, my writing, were hard hit by these emotional and mental struggles. “Hard hit” is a rather gargantuan understatement. Things pretty much ground to a halt. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t create. And I didn’t have the energy to care about any of it all that much. But, underneath, I felt myself dying a little bit more each day. A little bit of whatever it was that made me “me” slipping away with each lost word and unfinished project. I told myself it didn’t hurt. I told myself none of it mattered. I told myself writing wasn’t for me, so I was better off. I told myself … well, lots of things.

These were all lies. Were they good lies? Were they necessary lies? Were they bad lies? I don’t know. At this point, I don’t particularly care, because I feel just recognizing them as the lies that they are is a big step forward for me. Little victory number 1 — and a hard-fought battle.

bethlehem chapel: national cathedralLittle by little, I feel my spirit and my burden becoming lighter — still there, but easier to carry. Perhaps this is because I now have a place to go, where there are loving arms that will always welcome me, and where, at last, I can see I have worth. If you’ve lived a “normal” sort of life, you probably can’t understand the power of realizing, finally, that you are a person worthy of love and respect. I can’t explain it, but, even now, just in typing these words, the power of the emotions I feel threatens to overwhelm me. For perhaps the first time in my life, I know I am real. I know I am good, even if I struggle. I know I am worthy of love and respect. Little victory number 2 … although, really, it’s an enormous, earth-shattering victory. Even so, my pedantic nature forces me to cling to the theme for this post.

butterfly, bishop's garden: national cathedralAll of which brings me to my final “little victory”, which happened today. After two and a half (or three? yikes!) years of begging, bribing, threatening, and sobbing in heartache, I sat down today to write … and I managed to get my character across the street and into a tavern. I know. It doesn’t sound like much, but, for me, we’re talking about the literary equivalent of swimming the Atlantic Ocean. Without floaties.

This doesn’t mean the hard times are over and done. My depression is always there, lurking around in the background, whispering to some part or other of my brain when I’m not looking. And I don’t know if I’ll always have the words I need when I need them. Tomorrow might find me pulling my hair out in frustration and weeping as I stare at the ceiling and wonder, “Why?!? Why?!?” For today, though, the words were there. And that’s good enough for me.

Little victories: I’ll take as many as I can get.

 

 

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18 thoughts on “Little Victories

  1. None seem like little vivtories to me, and I am happy (completely inadequate word, but hey, *you’re* the writer) that you have won each of them, and are celebrating each of them.

    Yay you!

    • Awww! Thanks so much. I guess they aren’t such “little” victories to me, but they probably are small in the grand scheme of the world. I couldn’t have done it without you, my friend. Thanks for all your help and support. *hugs*

  2. Little victories are the most important kind because often they are the foundation for our much bigger victories. Sometimes even just one well-chosen word on paper is a victory worth celebrating!

    • What a wonderful proverb. I am going to have to keep that one in mind, particularly on the days when I find myself struggling more than usual. As “they” (whoever “they” are … =P) say: “baby steps … baby steps”.

      • I forgot to mention that it was on my first ever money box. It took some years to appreciate it but now I do, I see that it doesn’t only apply to money. Anyway, I love oak trees. 🙂

    • I knew my fellow writers here on WordPress would understand that feeling of “Yeah! Victory!!” at getting a stubbornly reluctant character to do even the smallest thing. Being able to post here has helped me so much; it’s wonderful to connect with like-minded people. Thanks, as always, for stopping in and for your comments. I appreciate it very much!

  3. That is thinking like a squirrel… taking time to appreciate the little things that bring a positive outcome! Now that you’ve got that character into the tavern, it may take another small victory to get him to come back out! 😉

    • Ha! I love that: thinking like a squirrel. High praise, indeed. 🙂 Those furry little guys take plenty of time to appreciate the little things in life — and yet, they manage to get big stuff done, overall. We should all take a few life lessons from them.

      I have no doubt it will take quite a lot to get my character out of the tavern. Especially once he orders beer. Ah well. 🙂

  4. A very inspiring post my friend. According to my point of view no victory is small. Every victory is big and your victories are huge. With the blessing of God more will follow. Take care and happy blogging.

    • Thank you, thank you! I have been writing more, which (oddly enough) has been keeping me away from blogging. This is why my reply to you is so late, and I apologize for that. Thank you very much, as always, for visiting and for reading — and for your wonderful insight and comments. I think, many times, we might look at our lives and think, “Oh, that was a little thing.” But, really, most of this stuff isn’t little. It’s hard to do and feels good to score a “victory” of any kind. Here’s hoping you are finding many victories — large and small — in your own life these days. 🙂

      • With your blessing my friend I cherish every moment of life and of course I enjoy all victories as they are all big. Good to know you have been writing and it does take a lot of time, but of corer se we are writers we have to spend time writing. No need to apologize since I understand. Good to hear from you though. Take care and happy happy blogging.

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