A New Adventure

Nothing strikes fear into the depths of my heart quite as much as the words: “a new adventure”. Seriously, how did this happen? I always thought I would never stop learning. I thought getting older wouldn’t matter, because I would still be interested in new adventures. I would want to try new things or experience new things and, in that way, I would continue to drink up all the life and energy in the world around me.

And then … I dunno. It sounds like a complete cop-out, but middle age happened. It kind of snuck up on me when I had my back turned. Before I knew it, I had come skidding (completely against my will, mind you) out of my 20s and into my 30s. And then, even worse, life dragged me, kicking and screaming, from my 30s into my 40s. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t realize that at the time, and, honestly, I’m not sure it matters all that much, anyhow. I mean — you turn 40 when you turn 40, you know? But, whether it matters or not, I wasn’t ready. For any of it.

Life got away from me. Depression got ahold of me. I got bagged down in emotional problems and baggage I never even noticed in my younger years. Mostly, I didn’t notice it back then because I was pretty darn good at pretending none of it existed, but that’s a story for another post. Along with depression, my health deteriorated and so did my self-esteem. It had been valiantly struggling along, doing its best to remind me that I was a worthy person. But, somewhere around age 40 or so, it kind of gave up the ghost.

my friend's pianoSomewhere along the way, I became afraid. Afraid to try new things. Afraid to fail. Afraid to step out of my comfort zone. Afraid to look like a fool. Just … afraid.Β It happens. I think, at one point or another, we all have to face up to our own fears and private demons. I think we all alsoΒ have to face up to the person that lives inside us — that little part of us that can make us either better or worse. Getting to know that person and, even more than that, getting to a point where we can love him or her is no small or easy task. It’s a bit terrifying.Β The thing is … I had become so afraid that I had stopped living. I didn’t want to learn or change or experience new things. I didn’t care about any of it. I didn’t love my life. Heck, most of the time, I didn’t even want my life. And so, I began to stagnate. I began to feel so much older than I am, and, overall, I felt disappointed in myself.

I have wanted to learn how to play the piano since I was a little kid, but my family couldn’t afford lessons. Also, I didn’t have any way to practice, as there was no way we could ever afford to buy a piano. For years, I longed to take the plunge and invest in lessons. I listened longingly to people who could play and felt twinges of bitter jealousy toward them. But, instead of moving forward, I told myself to forget about this. It was a silly dream from my childhood that wasn’t meant to be because I’m “too old” now for learning something new. And because it’s “too late” to start from scratch. Each time I would think about lessons for myself, that little voice inside would speak up to remind me there was no way I could get the hang of it because I’ve been away from music for too long. Or, it would whisper about how silly I would look struggling to learn a new instrument at my age. And on and on and on — a million times a million doubts and reasons why it was a bad idea for me to learn how to play the piano.

But no more. I’ve decided things must change, and, today, I took a little step toward telling my inner voice to shut the heck up. We bought a piano! And, within the next month, I will be signing up for piano lessons. I’m shocked and feeling giddy and excited just typing about it. I can’t wait to get started on what I hope will be a new adventure.

I’m no fool. I know buying a piano and taking lessons won’t cure all my woes. But, perhaps, it’ll teach my little inner voice she doesn’t have to whisper negative things at me all the time. She can learn how to sing, instead.

 

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21 thoughts on “A New Adventure

    • Thanks! Here’s hoping it won’t be an adventure that ends in utter failure and humiliation. But, really … just setting a foot on that new road (as opposed to remaining scared off by my own negativity) is a victory. πŸ˜€

      • Thanks for the good luck wishes. I’ll need them. As for middle C … hmmmm … Perhaps it’s in between High C and Low C. I’ll let you know as soon as I find out. πŸ˜€

        (High C … isn’t that a punch drink? LOL)

    • Thanks!! The piano in the picture is beautiful, but it’s not the one we are getting. Ours hasn’t been delivered yet. It’ll come next week. The piano pictured is my friend’s. Her house has much prettier lighting than mine — ha, ha! πŸ˜€

  1. Congratulations! I know exactly what you mean about that little voice. Unfortunately we’ve all got one. Just recently though, I’ve started to realize that all she ever has to say are lies, and now that I know the truth, it’s much easier to ignore her.

  2. YAY on the piano and the lessons! I got a keyboard a couple years ago, and was happy I was able to tap out a few familiar tunes on it after looking up the notes on the internet. Unfortunately, my piano skills are about on a par with my typing skills…. hunt and peck!

    When you get ready to play, I’ll have Buster come over and lay on top of your piano and act as your musical muse. I predict much beautiful music will come from that! :).

    • Thanks for the encouraging words, ES! I’m excited about learning something new, particularly something I have wanted to learn for such a long time. But I’m also a little bit terrified I’ll look like a fool. Oh well — into the breach and no looking back! Ha, ha. πŸ˜€

      Buster will definitely be a perfect muse. I might even rustle up a beer or two for him. πŸ˜‰

    • Thanks! And thank you for the vote of confidence, too. I’m not sure my little inner voice ever had the chance for singing — but better late than never! Or, perhaps, the mantra “It’s never too late” is more appropriate for her. πŸ˜€

  3. I love this transparent, heart felt, raw, real post! You don’t know how many people you are ministering to right this instant. So many are just like you and me. We need to soar, be brave and fly just like the two of us have decided to do! I’m so excited for you!

    • Aww, thank you so very much! I appreciate your kind words and your support. It’s funny that you mention ministering. I’ve never thought of myself as a person who could ever possibly do that. In RCIA, when our pastor talked about how each of us is given a certain gift in order to serve, I remember thinking: “but I don’t have a gift …”

      I agree with you, wholeheartedly, that so many people (like us) need to learn how to open our hearts and minds and soar above the negativity around and inside of us. It sounds like an easy thing to do, but it’s so hard. I’m still trying to figure out how to manage the take-off!

      Hugs to you, and many thanks! πŸ™‚

  4. I admire your positive spirit and one must ignore the negative inner voice deliberately sometimes. I wish you all the best in pursuing your childhood passion. You will feel very happy at your decision to pursue your dreams. Take care.

    • Thank you very much for the kind comment and for the encouragement. Sometimes, it’s so very hard to ignore that negative voice.

      I had my first lesson last Saturday, and I think it went pretty well. At the very least, I didn’t feel like a fool, and I didn’t run from the classroom in tears. I’m considering this a victory. I am working on learning the keys on the keyboard right now, and it’s going better than expected. I guess this old dog can learn a new trick or two — ha, ha! πŸ˜€

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