Missing You

Longing is a weird feeling. There’s something kind of hollow-eyed and gaunt about it, as if you could eat and eat and eat but never get full. Or, maybe, it’s that itching down in your soul or the pit of your stomach that tells you there will always be something missing from your life. It’s not the same thing as “wanting” — not really. “Wanting” is easy. You want something, you get that something, and *poof*: no more “want”. Longing is the kind of soul-sucking need that feels as if it will eat you alive from the inside out.

cape cod church, cape cod, mass.Lately, I’ve found myself, more and more, in the uncomfortable position of longing for something I know I will likely never have. Even worse, the “something” I need, with every fiber of my being, isn’t tangible. If it was, I might be able to do something about these hunger pangs of the soul that crop up from time to time, taking me unawares.

I long for a simpler life.

shoes above a street. cape cod, mass.Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Just clean the clutter and cobwebs out of my brain … get rid of all the extraneous “stuff” crowding up my house and my life … and I’m home free. But it’s not as easy as all that. Things like living in a house that’s clutter-free, only having the things I truly need and use, and even ditching the people who stink up my life with their negativity and mind games aren’t enough for me. All of these are good things, and they would probably be a great start. But I want more. I want the whole shebang — that dream I’ve never possessed but always desired.

star fish window, cape cod mass.I want to live in a place that’s quiet, where I can listen to birds singing and hear the wind rustle through the leaves of the trees. I want to live in a place where people aren’t always in my face, screaming about their beliefs and thoughts and accusing me of hatred when I don’t agree with them. I want to look out my window and see fields and grass or woods with little paths leading through them. I want a white picket fence and a perfect, little garden where I can grow roses, tomatoes, peonies, and hydrangeas. I want to sit on my front porch with a cup of tea and watch the squirrels playing in the yard or the deer in the field or the butterflies landing on the vines crawling up the porch railings. I want to smell  good, rich earth and green all around me. I want to see the stars and watch fireflies chasing each other through the falling dusk. I want to hear laughter as my daughter chases them through the grass.

blue door. cape cod, mass.I want to live in a small town, where people know me and care about me — where I can know them, too, and still care about them. I want to live somewhere where I don’t have to hear about babies being raped or little girls being killed in their own homes. I want to live in a place where people are honest and decent and try to do the right thing … and where they can admit when they have made a mistake. I want to live somewhere where people can agree to disagree, and where doing so doesn’t mean one person automatically hates the other. I want to live in a place where I can remind myself, each and every day, that people really are decent, underneath it all.

picket fence. cape cod, massIs this place real? Does it exist, anywhere on this earth? Maybe not. Maybe it only exists in my own mind, but I suppose that’s what writing is for — so that I can visit it, any time I want.

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Missing You

  1. This place sounds wonderful! I’d love to come along. I too try and tell myself that this place exists. I have created the best version of it that I can create myself. I feel you…every word, every image….the whole dream! I love this post. I see your place with a sweet little sign that reads ” welcome home”.

    • I think this is the key, as you mentioned: creating the best version that we can create for ourselves and our families. I feel I’ve done that, too … but I still selfishly long for “the real thing”. Maybe one day we’ll each find it and be able to hang out that “welcome home” sign with a smile on our faces.

      Thanks for reading, and for the comment! 🙂

  2. I know what you are talking about! ever since 2001 I have been longing for a normal life, even though I know I will never have it back! so I count my advantages in it and console myself, do the same 🙂

    • Yes, I agree. The best we can do is find the silver lining in things. I find it easier to do that some days than on others.

      Thanks for reading, my friend. And for the insightful comment, as always. Maybe, one day, we can both find the life we desire in our hearts. 🙂

  3. Living a simpler life is probably the ideal for many of us. I am reminded in my own walk on this earth that God is going forward for me and paving the way. I am grateful for this. When it seems everything is not working—I am reminded this temporary! God is Control even when I do not think so..or it does not seem so.
    HOPE you don’t mind me sharing my philosophy.

    • Oh my gosh! I am so sorry for the late reply on your comment! I have no idea how it happened, but sometimes I miss comments on posts. I just now saw yours, and wanted to be sure to reply and thank you for reading and for your comment.

      I would love to live a simpler life. It seems like that would be an easy thing to do, but it is inexplicably hard in our fast-paced society. I live in an area of the country where life is particularly “zoomy”. In the past year, I have turned more to renewing my faith, and that has helped me a lot. It is a much better guide for how I want to live, and a much better way of remembering that He is always in control of my life.

      Many blessings to you, my friend. 🙂

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